dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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