one two three fourrrrnication!
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I just blew my weed a kiss
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
