My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
