Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
