Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
