i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
