If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
