I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
