seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
So vagazzling was a success
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
