she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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