Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
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