You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
