just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
