hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
