I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
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