man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
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That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
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You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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