I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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