The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
im drinking this country out of the recession.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
