Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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