One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
