And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
