Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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