i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
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As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
When did angry sex become our thing?
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Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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