he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
