Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
