Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
