This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
