I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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