the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
We have so much sex to catch up on
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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