Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
