he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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