I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
The Olympian is in my bed
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
