Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
