Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
