Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
