oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
