Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
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