good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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