Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
