i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
even my farts smell like vagina
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
i out mim tonsoeep
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
