these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
