I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
