Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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