Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
