I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
