You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
