this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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