how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I would ride that face into the sunset
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
