too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
