it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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