I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
