Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
