so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
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