Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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