i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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