I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
